Both Sides Now
By Joni Mitchell
Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons ev’rywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way
But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on ev’ryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all
Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev’ry fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way
But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away
I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all
Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way
But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living ev’ry day
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
Whoever ever claimed himself as a 'life expert' should listen or sing to this song.
Last Sunday nite, I was so overwhelmed by intense emotions that I had to seek help from a 'convienient' confidante. Sorry, but I have recovered. So, here's one dimension of a complex multiple layer of expectations and dissapointments (his and/or mine?).
Case Study:
AO used to have the world at his feet. Born into an elite family, he went to college in the UK and worked as a stoke broker at Wall Street in London in the late 1970s and early 1980s. He returned to Malaysia in the mid 1980s and was financially comfortable enough to retire - he owned a petrol station and property at an elite residential area and bought and sold shares on the Malaysian stock market. With his Porsche and poise, he was seen as a 'catch' to women who want to be 'set up for life'. Except that these women have to 'read' and 'respond' to his style and meet his mother's approval since, being the eldest and unmarried, he still lives at home and attends to her needs. So much so, he suppresses his own.
In the mis 1990s, something happened that he will live to regret until the day he dies. On the way home, he and his mother stopped by at the neighborhood store. A vivacious woman in a tight short denim skirt, a tank top and Dior sunglasses caught sight of his sports car and just stood and stared from the sidewalk outside the corner video store. He quickly dashed into his car to let her know that he was the owner. His mother, realizing that he was gone, followed and got into the car. The woman on the sidewalk seemed to snap out of her reverie and he thought he read her lips saying: "It's an old man, and he has a wife". By then, his hair had turned grey and he saw no point in dying it black.
From that day on, he decided to befriend the owner of the video store and invited him to play chess as an excuse to hang out at his shop. How he looked forward to her brief visits to AN's shop and, one fine day, a mutual friend set them up for high tea at a nearby five star hotel. He would always remember the way she looked that afternoon in her knee-length maroon linen skirt and pink floral chiffon blouse, and he matched hers with his own baby pink shirt. She asked him many questions about himself and his family. Then he decided to leave just when she was going for her second helping, and PC, JN and AW were stunned. But they thought that he had to leave for a state in the East Coast to pay tithe before Ramadan.
She asked JM if he had mentioned anything to her or PC after that day. JM said no, maybe she should give him some time. But he seemed to be taking his time and she thought mmaybe she should not be passive and wait, but be proactive. So, she decided to stop by his house which was just next to her old primary school on her way back from the store one day. She gave her 'salam' and was invited in by a nephew. She told them that she had been to their house as a schoolgirl long ago and his mother confirmed that her niece was her classmate. Since she had walked to the store, she thought he would offer to send her back to her apartment nearby. When he did not, she left her contact numbers for them to call her.
When they did not call her, she looked up for his number and asked him out for drinks but he told her that had a prior engagement. She couldn't understand why did he turn her down when he had waited almost everyday at the video store, the kopi tiam and the mamak shop to bump into her? Why can't he tell her that he wanted her to follow him home or get into his car? Why does he expect her to read his mind, read in between the lines and 'whack' her if she did not respond according to his wishes?
By then, she had grown weary of what she regarded as a one-way communication and had openly exchanged telephone numbers and hung out with other male friends. He then retaliated by having a former flight attendant (whom she called the 'Tart') to come to his house in a cab. The situation deteriorated to a point that he (or his mother) told the neighborhood tattler that he didn't want her, that he didn't even want a well-known royalty who was interested in him. So, why did he then showed her 'the Tart' making a u-turn in a cab whenever she passed by his house to work after that? Or moved 'the Tart' to the next block in her apartment complex? Or so it went on for more than 10 years til today - him hoping that she will forgive, forget and approach him again - to this very day.
Diagnosis:
This is a classic case of two people operating from entirely different social and value systems. The man had been conditioned perhaps by his family or previous experience that he only needs his money or material possessions to speak for him and women will make the effort to read his mind, approach him, do the talking and make all the moves. The woman, on the other hand, had been raised to expect men to make the first move, break the ice and tell her exactly what he wants from her.
The Solution:
He must be willing to swallow his pride and approach her or just settle for a woman who will pander to his whims. She will have to shed her inhibitions about being the 'pursuer', be less self-conscious and more sensitive to his inadequacies (but he could speak when he declined, why not what he wanted?) or just marry someone who will make her feel at ease. What do you think?
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