The Blade and Chalice*

* (The Da Vinci Code, 2003, 481)

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An Austin Chase Moment:

“Life is One Daring Adventure, Or Nothing At All”

- Helen Keller

Make your choice, adventurous stranger;

Strike the bell and bide the danger,

Or wonder, til it drives you mad,

What would have followed if you had.

(The Chronicles of Narnia, 2001, 64)


Dear Austin,

Will you be my Digory?

Or would you rather we continue on ‘This Long and Winding Road” or ‘via dolorosa’ (a painful path)?

I’ve finally come to the realization that the problem is not with men that I encountered in my life, but with me; I’m compulsively critical and have too high expectations.

Bill, my Ozzie mate in Perth, ‘dished’ it well:

“I think the problem is not with the men, Noor, but with you; you want to be with everybody.” Do I really, Bill? But Mike was our friend and I had to talk to him too; that he was a cutie was, of course, beside the point.

I got the same appraisal from Rod, my small group leader in this self-help program that HS enrolled me for:

“You know, Noor, I think men see you as a butterfly.” Oh, Rod, can I help it if I’m beautiful and adorable? Seriously, Brits are such ‘bland’ blokes, and Paul there looks so interesting.

God, even lil Yani thinks I’m a flirt and a tease! But flirts are basically insecure and immature that they have to ‘test’ their desirability all the time; surely mature and stable men can understand and accept harmless flirtation now and then? It’s not the same as ‘dangerous liaisons’. Plus, it’s gratifying to be the object of male attention after growing up being told you’re the ‘ugly duckling’.

Maybe Bill and Rod were making laypersons’ observations; but when you hear it from a soothsayer, shouldn’t it have credibility?

“You’re very intelligent, but also very stubborn; you don’t know what you want, and people don’t know what you want.” Ouch! Truth does hurt.

Now, what do I want?

Not a wedding at a chapel, for sure, EOW. Everyone was wondering why you held that semester’s class at the campus chapel and to bring the coffee maker to class? What made you think that your wedding ring and professorship would not pose moral and ethical issues?

But wait a second, that blonde and blue-eyed Christian from across the room was looking my way; and you didn’t miss that, did you, EOW? That’s why you used that neophyte MN as ‘check and balance’? And to ‘dangle’ an RAship before a sophisticated lady like me? Tell me all about ‘dusty, crusty’ academic life! Boy, am I difficult, or am I difficult?

EOW, that was a really, really sweet gesture to leave the brand-new red Mercury at the bus stop outside my student apartment late that night after my ‘beat-up’ Honda Civic let me down in the cold mid-western winter for the nth time; but I just couldn’t take the car without taking you as well, could I? In retrospect, I just wanted companionship, not commitment. I’m so sorry for turning your life upside down those four long years.

And the same to you, too, Al M – RP was right for you, and Al G – DF was such a brainy Barbie; why did you guys have to be enticed by visions of the exotic Orient? And a fickle one, at that. You were right, CTS, “Camelot sucks!” when it’s not a steadfast Guinevere; DR was the one for you.

Now, was I glad to be home in the land of endless summers and cheap, delicious hawker food. And I could not believe my ears. JKS was now single and available – our eyes had met across the staff canteen and seminar rooms before I left for the US but we were with other people. Now my tall, dark and brooding hero was sitting across the table from me, trying to arrange a committee for me to complete my dissertation. Why then did I have to be so damn, bloody independent? Why didn’t I just let him take charge? I would have completed my dissertation and got my PhD, and all the recognitions that come with it. But, no, I didn’t want to owe my success or achievements to any man, no siree, no no. Then, again, subconsciously, I must have second thoughts about living with a mum-in-law and two step kids. It is indeed a ‘Wild World’, isn’t it, JKS? Hope you’re happy and well, wherever you are now.

So, one would think that just a mum, minus step kids, from the same culture and a rich one to boot, plus a 914 Porsche and a million ringgit zakat paid out every year, would be a much better option? Except that, et tu had to be ‘weird’, AO? Now. no man had ever succeeded in getting me run after them with just a ‘throw away’ line; whatever made you think that that would work in your case? Why couldn’t we just have our hi-tea with friends and took the time to know each other well? Why did you have to attempt that ‘you know what I mean’ look, got up and expected me to follow? Yeah, I was casually dating the young MO but that shouldn’t have stopped you from inviting me to your home. And all those ‘chance’ meetings at the store and along the roads – they just won’t work if you expect me to make the first move all the time. It got tiresome after some time; you can keep your Porsche and your mum can keep her jewels. But you can’t just have Ash the cat for company for the rest of your life.

Yes, Bill, I’m willing to swallow my pride and admit, that the problem is not them, it’s me; yeah, HS, KN, etc, I am difficult, I know that too well. But I want to change, adjust and adapt to other people and situations; how to bend, without breaking (down)? God Help Me, I never needed salvation and deliverance more than I do right this moment.

Love,

Beyonce

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A Room of One’s Own*:

God, grant me the serenity

To accept things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can, and

Wisdom to know the difference

* Virgnia Woolf’s notion of a female writer’s need for her very own special place of peace and solitude

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Phenomenal Women:

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.


I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,

It’s the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.


Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

Then try so much

But they can’t touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they can’t see.

I say,

It’s in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.


Now you understand

Just why my head’s not bowed.

I don’t shout or jump about.

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It’s in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need for my care.

‘Cause I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.


- Maya Angelou.


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Bet’s Bites:

“Do rest and relax,

Don’t be deprived and depraved”

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A(musing):

“Is that a gun I see in your pocket,

or are you just happy to see me?”

- Mae West (one really risqué Hollywood broad from the 1930s)